I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
