You can't motorboat a personality
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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