I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
