That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
