If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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