You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
