She is in my trunk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
