You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
