He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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