I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
