My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
