im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
