yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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