I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
