I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
