at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
