i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
