I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
