Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
