This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
