The best revenge is premature balding
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
