wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
