College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
