I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
