i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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