she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
