sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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