My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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