I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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