when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
