I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
