alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
