Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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