What did we do last night that was yellow?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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