Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
