Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
