a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
