I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
