a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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