theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
