my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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