I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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