I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
