Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
