I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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