apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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