He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
