just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
