I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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