I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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