Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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