just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
