I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
