THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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