HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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