Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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